jillian truant
You do not Duel because...
| you despise Mahayr. |
  
|
4.2% | [ 1 ] |
| you despise someone else in here. |
|
12.5% | [ 3 ] |
| you are, as accused, CHICKEN! |
|
8.3% | [ 2 ] |
| it is beneath you, you are just that good. BUT too chicken to prove it. |
|
0.0% | [ 0 ] |
| you have too much on your plate for lowly duels, and are CHICKEN! |
|
4.2% | [ 1 ] |
| there is not enough to be gained, you are greedy. |
|
25.0% | [ 6 ] |
| Other... post your own answer. |
|
45.8% | [ 11 ] |
| Total Votes: | [ 24 ] | ||
Zero is an Integer
Trysse
Sin Apophis
Sin Apophis
The Love Mutt
7,150 Points
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200
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200
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300
Adimurti
3,500 Points
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200
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0
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100
The Love Mutt
7,150 Points
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200
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200
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300
Adimurti
3,500 Points
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200
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0
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100
jillian truant
jillian truant
Adimurti
3,500 Points
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200
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0
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100
Challenger Name: Mahayr. [O]
Defender Name: Whoppers/Caffine. [O]
Type of Duel: Call-Out
Bet: 1K.
Judge: Adimurti.
Subject I Prefer: Animal Love. (<< That should so be Adimurti Love ¬.¬)
Form: Rhyming.
Mahayr
Burial of the Bayard Bangtail
Fly high the bailiff's banderole
the bayard bangtail's dead.
Play the bagpipes ballad clear
and hear the banzai said.
Tie the bandeau round my throat
bandana on the braid.
Baluga's baleen clutched to breast
the bivouac unafraid.
Go work your brede on burlap bland
and eat your brie and bree.
Through the brume and boscage browse,
for belladonna tea.
Fly high the bailiff's banderole
the bayard bangtail's dead.
Play the bagpipes ballad clear
and hear the banzai said.
Tie the bandeau round my throat
bandana on the braid.
Baluga's baleen clutched to breast
the bivouac unafraid.
Go work your brede on burlap bland
and eat your brie and bree.
Through the brume and boscage browse,
for belladonna tea.
I feel you could do more with this. It feels incomplete to me at the moment, mainly thinking you could do more with the events of the death (and even life) to give the reader more background of what makes it worthy of writing about. I find parts of the grammar awkward (lines four and eleven stick out more-so) too, although the whole piece uses this 'heightened' syntax, which I'm not a fan of - so that's probably just me. I'd like to see a little bit of description and a couple of images in there, too. I know you're not a huge fan of them but I think it'll breathe life into the context, as expanding parts would.
caffine
Loving all their ways
Please don’t piss on the garden gnome
When you and I are out on a roam
Don’t look at that cat
You’re mouth will start to foam
Don’t hump that stranger’s leg, don’t hump that one too
Now don’t squat there, I don’t want to clean up your poo
Don’t hiss like that
You’re more of a fluff ball than a cat
Don’t jump there. You’ll knock… drat!
If you climb any higher you’ll fall and go splat
You can be so nice and then sometimes so mean
You love to be a purring machine
You look so sweet but you really can bite
Your noise is a tweet and you can sing just right
Preening, screaming, lunging and dodging
You’re dream is to be flying.
Head bopping, talking, chattering and laughing
With how you learn to talk a word
You could be more human than bird
Please don’t piss on the garden gnome
When you and I are out on a roam
Don’t look at that cat
You’re mouth will start to foam
Don’t hump that stranger’s leg, don’t hump that one too
Now don’t squat there, I don’t want to clean up your poo
Don’t hiss like that
You’re more of a fluff ball than a cat
Don’t jump there. You’ll knock… drat!
If you climb any higher you’ll fall and go splat
You can be so nice and then sometimes so mean
You love to be a purring machine
You look so sweet but you really can bite
Your noise is a tweet and you can sing just right
Preening, screaming, lunging and dodging
You’re dream is to be flying.
Head bopping, talking, chattering and laughing
With how you learn to talk a word
You could be more human than bird
This reads very list-like to me. Try using some more poetic devices in here. You briefly used onomatopoeia and metaphor, but I think you need to present the ideas here in a more aesthetic way. A lot of it reads almost immaturely to me, too. Such as "now don’t squat there, I don’t want to clean up your poo" - try and show this in a cleverer way than outright saying it, because it doesn't make for interesting work as it is. It also makes it look like the reason you're going for these words are just to fulfil the rhyme, which I'm not sure if that's completely right, but I'd advise against it. I also think you might have been better sticking to one animal, or perhaps making the poem three parts rather than three stanzas. The main reason for this is because it gives you more chance to explore themes and subjects in the poem without restricting yourself to the stanza length which you seem to want to remain consistent.
I declare Mahayr the victor of this brawl, for her ideas and presentation of.
Adimurti
3,500 Points
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200
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0
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100
Sin Apophis
Mahayr
Aged Seeker
10,450 Points
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100
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175
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100